Somtimes.....

Sometimes I want to go outside and scream. I want the trees to shake, I want my echo to sweep through the quartiers, I want people to gasp in shock and lastly I want to deafen anyone that is in earshot. Because that’s how frustrated I truly am. At least today anyway. When I’m in class I try to be focused and show some authority. I realize that this can be a daunting task at times due to the fact that I’m not that much older than the kids (and a foreigner to boot). Although today was really tough. Using a loud tone (which God knows for me is saying a lot since I have no volume control as it is) and repeating myself a million times to a group of teens during their last hour of class is like sending a guy with a knife to a gun fight…. In other words, I was not going to win this battle. So there I was feeling powerless while my voice was shrinking and shrinking under the loud French banter. Without warning, due to my sudden lack of confidence, I was on the verge of tears. I had to have a little pep talk with myself. "No you will ABSOLUTELY not cry in front of your students" and "YOU are the teacher (kinda), Take the reigns and control this class" Thankfully not a tear ran down my face but i still wasn't able to fully control the class. So after repeated attempts of trying to diffuse the situation I was so fed up I walked out of the class and stood behind the door for 10 mins trying to regain my composure. Alas i came inside but "nice" Halima was gone. Cool, Calm and Collected i told them that they were being disrespectful and if they didn't feel like coming i would let their teacher know to keep them and not send them to me at all. They were quiet for a bit and i saw that they were trying to make an effort.... I wouldn't say I was completely satisfied but i think sometimes you have to take what you can get. I love my students but sometimes it can be so hard to reach them. Le Sigh.